COME BACK MY CONFIDS!

I wonder where is my zeal on studying nowadays?
Achieving a good result is my pride, and too the motivation fot me to pursue a better result, next time.

"when is yout best?"

the awesome answer:

"the next one."

this is what i am holding on, insisting along the years of hardworks.
My biggest motivation, besides my parents, is myself.

I used to persuade myself, sometimes been forced to convince myself, about "studies lead to succeed". which it sounds convincing, but actually's only a pretext for teachers to make their eye-watching tiring duties to be alleviated, unless one doesnt want to succeed at all.

Back to the issue, i am adhering to "getting into a good class, even i do not study, people will still at least not eyeing me irreverantly" kind of thinking, it sounds irreproachable, although i am totally resolute at my own pathway, the pathway to succeed with gaining homages.

Homages? Is that we study so hard and suffering from fucking tremendous stress,in other hand to gain more respects? at our future, of course.

anyway, i figured out myself as the most brainless person. Because i am telling myself that i want your respects. so badly. No, No....? I am not.

See, I dont even know what i'm thinking. Sometimes when i hv been trapped in a well, a well of questions, which the respondent is me, and the people who thrash out problems with me is myself. I do not ansrer the questions that "me" asked loudly, usually murmuring, and sometimes i answer it deep inside, hoping that god doesnot hear it. And it is blameless for me to do it, oftenly. So once, I started to allow the third participant to listen n answer my questions.

She is I. I always torpedoed me. The new rose hopes will always be despaired. After doing all this, I will demurely mock myself. How stupid......please be rational.
And that moment i could feel that confidence was not with me anymote. I had put me n myself in lethargic situation.

This is the main point. i need my confidence back. but it had been away from me 2 years ago, when funs had replaced it absolutely!